1 00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:06,879 2 00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:10,553 3 00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:15,394 but you don't ask questions 4 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:18,439 5 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,551 is a mystery 6 00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:26,554 and the tides of the sea 7 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:30,156 what's driving me berserk: 8 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:33,797 9 00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:54,113 Del...got a minute to run a leather over my Mini? 10 00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:00,477 Marlene, I'm not a car cleaner. 11 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:05,032 I merely agreed to do some driving for Boycie. 12 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:10,115 Sorry, darling, I forgot. Just doing it to earn some money? 13 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:13,713 No, no. This is a hobby of mine. 14 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:19,353 I love driving you and Boycie to weddings, waiting till midnight. 15 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:23,753 Yes, Marlene, I'm doing it to earn a few quid. 16 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:28,278 I've got a few problems on the financial front. 17 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:31,831 Being bankrupt doesn't help, does it? 18 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:36,392 I never thought of that! 19 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:37,914 Marlene, 20 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:42,074 finish your make-up. You should be ready for the second coat. 21 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:47,235 Keep your noise down, Boycie, or people will think we're vulgar! 22 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:52,269 - Del, coffee? — Cheers, Boyce. 23 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:56,559 No, I mean go and make me a cup! 24 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:01,071 Boyce, you know this car's a GTi? 25 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:03,629 If you rearrange the letters, 26 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:07,316 you've got a personalised number plate! 27 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:10,074 Two sugars in mine. 28 00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:21,193 — Good afternoon! — Afternoon. 29 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,079 Have Mr and Mrs Boyce moved? 30 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:28,273 Er, no. They're in prison. 31 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:32,149 - What? - I'm searching the house. 32 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:35,153 - I'm from the Drug Squad. — My word! 33 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:41,353 They will be on parole soon, so watch your step! 34 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,272 Thank you, Officer. 35 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:46,909 Not at all, Ma'am. 36 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,834 "Two sugars"! 37 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:57,993 I shouldn't go in my condition. I can't smell my own aftershave. 38 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:01,073 But I can't smell Del's either, so that's a plus! 39 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,880 Keep your mouth shut at this wedding. 40 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:06,475 Don't be sarcastic to my family. 41 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:09,712 That'LL limit the conversation! 42 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:13,111 They make Grant Mitchell look intelligent! 43 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:19,754 I'm fed up having to defend you. OK, you're ugly, but successful. 44 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:25,873 It's taken years to convince my mum you're not a vampire! 45 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:31,438 Looking forward to the wedding? 46 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,914 You look lovely, darling! 47 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:44,232 Did I tell you about my new business deal? 48 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:47,518 Yes, two or three dozen times! 49 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:52,834 In a few weeks, Boycie will fly to Paris to sign the contract! 50 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:59,554 - He'll be a multimillionaire! - I'll wet meself in a minute. 51 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:03,679 Should we buy a new house or have this renovated? 52 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:06,753 Marlene, have some sensitivity. 53 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:11,949 Don't talk about millions and big houses in front of Del. 54 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:17,593 It must have been awful for you and Raquel having that money 55 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:22,118 — and then losing it. — Good comes out of bad, Boycie. 56 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:27,832 Raquel says she now appreciates the little things of Life. 57 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:34,032 Marlene knows all about that. She had no choice! 58 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:43,239 When the contract's signed, Del, we'll get together for a chat 59 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:46,518 about what you did when you became a millionaire. 60 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:50,958 Make sure I don't make the same mistakes! 61 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,556 Marlene, where's my hair gel? 62 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:02,475 — Wherever you left it. - Oh. 63 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:59,360 - Uncle Rodders... - Hmm? 64 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,592 What was my dad like as a teenager? 65 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,080 Horrible. 66 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,834 Boo Yukka Shah! 67 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:14,353 - Uncle Rodders... - Hmm? 68 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:18,115 — What'lL I be like in my teens? — Horrible. 69 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:20,320 Yes! 70 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:24,351 Mum, Rodders says I'll be horrible when I grow up. 71 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:28,991 - Did he? — All teenagers are horrible. 72 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:34,189 — The "Kevin and Perry" period. — They are a bit annoying. 73 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:39,389 But when you're 21, a man becomes sensible and normal. 74 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:45,875 Anyway, I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel. 75 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:53,759 So Boycie goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac! 76 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:56,958 That's the theory, anyway! 77 00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:59,794 What's happening? Anything on the go? 78 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:03,794 — What's that? - Nothing to worry about. 79 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:10,115 I'm the managing director of Trotters Independent Traders. 80 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:12,874 Cool! He's better than "The Beano"! 81 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:18,190 — Hang about. - You were declared bankrupt. 82 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:23,389 You're banned from running any company or dealing in shares. 83 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:27,918 You can't even ride past the Stock Exchange on a bike! 84 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,913 You owe the Inland Revenue £50,000! 85 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:35,278 Who's out earning money, driving for Boycie, 86 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:39,832 — while you sit on your IQ! - I'm trying to eat! 87 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:45,951 ILL take this conference call into the boardroom. All right! 88 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,794 Sorry, pal, what did you say? 89 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:52,635 Just Rodney reminding me who's in charge. 90 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:54,837 What? 91 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:57,714 A-ha! 92 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:02,994 Sorry to spoil your appetite, but we can't hide from this. 93 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:08,280 We need the money or the Inland Revenue will sell this flat 94 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:12,035 and we'll all be up...I don't know. 95 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,556 — I've got responsibilities. - I know. 96 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:19,793 — Del will think of something. — Should that encourage me? 97 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:24,557 — Del got us in this mess! — The judge blamed both of you! 98 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:28,873 "Like two Neros playing while your empire burnt." 99 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:34,274 We may have been two Neros, but only one was fiddling! 100 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:38,153 Yeah, cushty, Monkey. 101 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:41,676 All right, we'll see you, Monkey. 102 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:44,912 Bonjour, Monkey. That was Monkey. 103 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:52,155 He's had a consignment of log—effect fires from Slovakia. 104 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:57,235 I don't want a load of Slovakian log—effect fires. 105 00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:01,234 — That's what I told him. — Oh. Good. 106 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:06,110 — How did you know that? — We know what we both think. 107 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:09,671 We've always been telescopic. 108 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:13,515 These gas fires, they're selling like hot cakes. 109 00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:16,320 Paddy the Greek bought 150. 110 00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:20,872 He sold 'em to a builder for 50 quid a pop. 111 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:25,113 — £50 apiece? - Yep. And Lenny the gas fitter. 112 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,910 He's putting one in each room of a big house he's doing. 113 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:33,995 I thought, "Easy money." Then I thought, "There's business, 114 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:38,119 "and then there's what Rodney's doing." 115 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:42,513 — We're into party planning! - Yes. 116 00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:46,355 - It's big. - Yes, up in Sloane Square 117 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:50,400 where they like a roasted pepper and couscous! 118 00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:54,838 In Peckham they like a kebab and a tattoo! 119 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:59,153 They are very fond of log—effect gas fires. 120 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:02,790 well, I am interested in them now. 121 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:06,237 Good. I told him we'd have 20. 122 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:12,037 Oi! Oi, oi, will you stop that? 123 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,874 That is your uncle's urn! 124 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:22,910 — What are you doing up? — It's a daytime tradition! 125 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:27,517 Yes, but you're pregnant. You must rest. Where were you going? 126 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:30,194 - To get some juice. — I'll get it. 127 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:32,636 - I can get the juice. - I'll get the juice. 128 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:37,636 - I'm good at getting juice. — For God's sake, I'll get it! 129 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,155 Damien, get the juice. 130 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:45,998 You've got to calm down, Rodney. You'll be a nervous wreck. 131 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:51,109 You've got to be strong, physically and mentally. 132 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,477 I remember the night Damien was born. 133 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,878 It was a wonderful moment. 134 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:03,318 But it was very traumatic and very stressful. 135 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:09,232 It wasn't a walk in the park for Raquel, either! 136 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:13,394 No, it wasn't. I'll get some more tea. 137 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:18,794 I'm getting some cereal. Me, not you, not anyone else. Just me. 138 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,554 OK. Just be careful. 139 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,711 Oh, my God! 140 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:27,350 Rodney, sit down. Behaving like a moby. 141 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:32,754 I've waited a long time for this baby. It mustn't go wrong. 142 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:34,957 Fair enough. 143 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:38,954 There's one thing I don't understand. 144 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:44,069 A year ago, you and Cassandra were really trying for a baby. 145 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:47,153 You was at it like a pair of goats. 146 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:52,554 You became so pale you had to have your passport photo redone. 147 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,396 Stop discussing my private life in front of Damien! 148 00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,790 Yes, OK. Sorry. 149 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:04,238 Anyway, when nothing happened, she sent you to Harley Street 150 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:09,031 — to have your whatsit tested. - I know! 151 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:13,910 I couldn't get the milk in the fridge for specimens! 152 00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:22,713 You said if it wasn't for the magazines, you'd pack it in! 153 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:30,798 We weren't successful at first. They thought I had a low count. 154 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:36,319 You were to and fro for ages. Shame they didn't do air miles! 155 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:40,633 Low count? Who was on the calculator — Trigger? 156 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,438 I don't believe you! 157 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:46,389 Then you change your mind about having a chavvy 158 00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:49,234 and go late-night shopping at family planning. 159 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:53,871 We discussed it. Our initial reaction was, naturally, 160 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:58,034 to wait until the financial climate was more conducive. 161 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:01,716 Then we had a change of heart. 162 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:06,875 I understand that. But you'll have the bailiffs as godparents! 163 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:13,598 This baby is a token of our belief in our marriage, 164 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:17,833 in Trotters Independent Traders and in the future of Britain. 165 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:23,837 But most important, as a token of our belief in this family. 166 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,718 Rodney... 167 00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:31,235 ..if your mother could hear you she'd be so proud. 168 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:34,631 - It's how we feel. — Good boy! 169 00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:40,075 - I know how you get babies. - I bet you do! 170 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:43,119 It must have been horrible! 171 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,269 He's a lad, isn't he? 172 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:50,320 - I'll kick his teeth in! - Thank you. 173 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:58,914 He does my head in. I bet he nicked your contraceptive pills. 174 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:05,429 — Don't be so silly! - No, I searched this flat! 175 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:08,240 No, it was him, rat boy! 176 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:12,470 - He's only young. — He seems to know everything. 177 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:16,679 He's a cross between Harry Potter and Swampy. 178 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:21,994 Rodders, we've got business to sort out. Go and start the van. 179 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:25,710 He ain't used to me being in charge yet! 180 00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:27,951 — See you later. - _— Bye. 181 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:29,679 Bye! 182 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,477 "Final reminder". 183 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:34,597 "Final reminder". 184 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:36,671 "Final reminder". 185 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:40,549 "This is not a circular", No, it's a final reminder. 186 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:43,314 This letters addressed to Albert Trotter. 187 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:47,110 The Royal Naval Association. They haven't heard. 188 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:50,955 — Should we open it? - No, leave it to Del. 189 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:55,591 I'm off, sweetheart. See you later, Cassandra. 190 00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:59,276 A letter's arrived from the Seamen's Association. 191 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,034 Oh, that'll be for Rodney. 192 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:20,516 Tea, please, Carol. All right, Boycie? 193 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,398 Denzil. 194 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,717 What's happening? 195 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,679 One of nature's great phenomenons. 196 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:33,879 One that, sadly, David Attenborough has ignored. 197 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:38,352 It's called "The Trotters try to park a three—wheel van". 198 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:42,957 No, hard on your left! Right, that's it. 199 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,634 - Hard on your left! — My left? 200 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:47,791 Right hand down! 201 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:52,238 — Hard on your left, Dave! - Will you shut up! 202 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,754 Eh? 203 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,150 It's the wrong angle! 204 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,789 How's business? 205 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:01,110 What business? 206 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:06,472 I just got myself a new truck and haven't had any work since. 207 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:11,794 - It's all bad news these days. - You could be wrong. 208 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,560 I'm in the motor trade, right? 209 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,439 Recently, a fellow mason from my lodge 210 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:24,118 mentioned my firm to a player whose name I cannot divulge. 211 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:29,434 He's a Lebanese gentleman who's made his mark in Europe. 212 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:35,792 I'll pull out and straighten up. 213 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:43,471 They reverse vasectomies quicker than this! 214 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:47,315 - Shut up, will ya? — Hard on your left, Dave! 215 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,998 So, what's his business? 216 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:56,278 He's in the commercial sector. 217 00:16:56,440 --> 00:17:00,195 Negotiations are at a very sensitive stage. 218 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:04,513 But in a few weeks, Boyce Autos could own the UK franchise 219 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,035 for most of them cheap cars in Europe. 220 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,477 Great! So where do I fit in? 221 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,314 You? You don't. 222 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,989 So why are you telling me, then? 223 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:22,312 You said it was all bad news, but it isn't. 224 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:26,553 Next month, I could be a millionaire. 225 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:29,678 I don't soddin* believe you, Boycie! 226 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,434 I'm trying to cheer you up. 227 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:36,274 Can you smell onions? 228 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,873 If you can't do it, I'll do it myself! 229 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:49,672 — Oi! who's running this firm? - It's got you puzzled as well? 230 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,513 At last! 231 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:09,430 - You can't park there, Dave. - Eh? 232 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:12,353 Too close to a council installation. 233 00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:18,837 It's my duty as an environmental hygienist to uphold the law. 234 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:22,118 - What's in that thing? — Freezing salt. 235 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:27,400 People like me have to spread it on the roads in icy conditions. 236 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,310 What icy conditions?! 237 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:34,394 I attend lectures on modern climactic change. 238 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:38,758 What with global warming and Al Pacino... 239 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:41,594 EL Nifio, Trig. 240 00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:46,030 You don't know what's gonna happen. 241 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,639 We're getting a bite to eat. 242 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:53,430 If I buy you two pints and a cheese roll 243 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,479 will you turn a blind eye? 244 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:59,314 — Are you bribing me? - Yes. 245 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:03,790 - All right, then. — Good. Come on, let's go. 246 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,758 I'll tell "em what I think of 'em. 247 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:11,914 — What's up? — Neighbours won't talk to us. 248 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:16,358 They're looking down their noses like we're criminals! 249 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:20,593 They're jealous about my European deal. Ignore 'em. 250 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:25,191 — OK, what's so funny? - Your advert! 251 00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:28,193 It's just stupid. Look, Rodney, 252 00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:32,672 - I used to run my own firm. - You got probation for that. 253 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:37,198 It didn't go as I'd planned, true, but the point is, 254 00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:41,718 — nobody reads the small ads. — That's where you're wrong. 255 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:47,114 Two months ago, Boycie put an ad in for his car firm. 256 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:51,751 It read, "Urgently required, security guard." 257 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:55,879 That night, his showroom was burgled. 258 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:01,717 Someone reads the small ads! 259 00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:05,874 — He's right! — I've got business to see to. 260 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:10,557 You've got to cash that giro cheque, haven't you? 261 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:15,835 Hello, Cassandra. How's my godchild? 262 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,152 I don't know, Mickey, but MY baby's fine. 263 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:23,514 — Here's the mum—to—be. - Hello! 264 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,798 What are you doing walking about? 265 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:32,751 We got fed up so I'm getting some exercise. Doctor's orders. 266 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:36,515 Doctors say to carry on as normal. 267 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:40,275 You're not having a natural birth, are you? 268 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:43,717 — We discussed a birthing pool. - With the damp in your flat, 269 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,759 I wouldn't bother! 270 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:54,715 Shame you don't have any fire grates in your place. 271 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:59,716 Lenny Corby's fitting eight log—effect fires in our house. 272 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:04,351 I'll invite you and the family for the switching—on ceremony. 273 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:09,594 — Something to look forward to. - I'm having an adrenaline rush! 274 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:15,033 When the baby's born, don't worry if it's ugly. 275 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:19,194 — They're all ugly at birth. — Some more ugly than others. 276 00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:24,560 When Boycie was born, the midwife slapped his mother! 277 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:32,073 On that note, I'L bid you all goodbye. 278 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:36,279 Marlene, you can drive me to the showroom. 279 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,432 — See you, Cassandra, Raquel. - _— Bye! 280 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:42,911 Del, I brought that letter addressed to Albert. 281 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:44,639 Albert? 282 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:48,031 I hope you don't have my experience. 283 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:52,239 From the moment the baby arrived, my wife gave me hell 284 00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:55,233 Women get post—natal depression. 285 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:57,596 But we'd adopted! 286 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:04,395 Take no notice. Sid's a cantankerous, miserable old sod. 287 00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:06,915 His wife was hot—blooded. Spanish. 288 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:11,836 He only taught her English so he could stop speaking to her! 289 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,150 Rodders, listen to this. 290 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:19,076 A naval friend of Albert is organising a reunion 291 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:23,916 for the crew of the fleet that went to Denmark in 1944. 292 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:27,357 — Did Albert go to Denmark? - No, the fleet never made it. 293 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:31,912 I remember him saying. The ships were named after sea creatures. 294 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:36,119 HMS Shark, HMS Barracuda... What was Albert's ship? 295 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,669 HMS Cod. 296 00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:46,390 Yeah. He said they got into trouble but it wasn't his fault. 297 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:51,680 — That would have been a first! - It's in a village in Normandy. 298 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:55,231 Write and say Albert isn't with us any more. 299 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:57,630 I suppose so. 300 00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:01,589 It's a shame Elsie Partridge didn't live long enough to go. 301 00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:06,596 — She'd love representing him. — Remember their story? 302 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:09,274 They fell in love before the war. 303 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:13,991 He had to go and fight and they both married other people. 304 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:19,758 Years later, they met again and spent their last years together. 305 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:25,032 What's up with that scatty cow? 306 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:31,351 Her hormones do somersaults 'cause she's pregnant. 307 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:34,194 Oh. You're all right, ain't you? 308 00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:36,033 Yes! 309 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:40,239 It's like "Captain Corelli's Mandolin". 310 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,914 What's Captain Pirelli's mandarin? 311 00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:49,879 "Captain Corelli's Mandolin". 312 00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:53,795 A film about two lovers who meet again after the war. 313 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,395 A woman's thing. 314 00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,750 I've had a thought. 315 00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:05,074 If Elsie can't represent Albert, Rodney and I ought to go. 316 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:09,598 That's a brilliant suggestion. Albert would love that idea. 317 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:15,517 He's not the only one. You two are going on a booze cruise! 318 00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:20,996 - That hurts, Raquel. — That's a cruel thing to say. 319 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:27,270 This is a family thing. We just want Albert to be remembered. 320 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:30,558 It's like... It's our duty. 321 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:35,430 — Sorry, I was only joking! - I know you didn't mean it. 322 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:40,197 Raquel, Cassandra, look, a picture of my wife. 323 00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:42,829 Come and have a look. 324 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:47,710 We could take Albert's ashes and scatter them at sea. 325 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:50,952 That's a very good idea, Rodney. 326 00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:53,953 He would really like that. 327 00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:57,351 we'll have to do it as we come out of the harbour, 328 00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:02,276 because we'll be too pissed to do it later. 329 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:10,552 You drive Raquel and Cassandra home. I'll pick up the bill 330 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:12,279 — Sure? - Yeah. 331 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:15,432 Sid, what are all these little holes? 332 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,318 Darts. 333 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:21,957 It's a long story. We met in 1950... 334 00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:25,556 — Want a lift home? — Yes, please! 335 00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:27,996 seh you. 336 00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:30,879 Sid, take it out of that. 337 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:34,192 — Have you still got your lorry? - Yeah. why? 338 00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:37,239 Me and Rodney may go to France. 339 00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:41,439 — Do you want some rolls? — Thanks. No, not now! 340 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:46,515 Next month. Got an idea in me head. 341 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:50,150 - No. - No? You haven't heard it yet. 342 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:54,598 Good. The police can't drag it out of me under interrogation. 343 00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:57,229 What are you on about? 344 00:25:57,400 --> 00:26:01,553 When you have an idea, someone in a uniform asks me questions! 345 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:05,395 Can I help it if I am misunderstood? 346 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:11,192 Oh, I understand. You can get booze very cheaply in France. 347 00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:14,432 I've got a lorry, Sid's got a pub. 348 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:17,592 So what are you saying? 349 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:23,516 I'm saying Del buys £1,000—worth of half-price alcohol, 350 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:27,196 we drive it back, Sid gets a load of cheap booze, 351 00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:29,397 and we share the profits. 352 00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:34,509 No, I was thinking of bringing you some French cheese. 353 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:37,593 But now you've suggested that... 354 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:41,390 - That's a brilliant idea! — First class. 355 00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:45,997 A few trips and we'd earn some decent money. 356 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:50,119 - I'm not doing it. — It was your idea! 357 00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:52,556 No, it wasn't! 358 00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:55,838 well, it was in a way. I mean... 359 00:26:56,000 --> 00:27:00,631 That's not what I meant. I was trying to... I didn't mean... 360 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:04,111 The thing is, I was just trying to... 361 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:09,916 — Is this anywhere near legal? — Of course! Don't tell Rodney. 362 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:41,559 Here, Rodney. You do the honours. 363 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:45,998 — He would have liked it. - Yes. 364 00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:49,312 Do it ceremoniously. 365 00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:53,758 Not like you're emptying a hoover bag. 366 00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:14,278 See you again sometime, Unc. 367 00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:17,353 Good luck, old "un. 368 00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:20,080 (RATTLING) 369 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:24,393 — Did you hear that? - Hope it's not his dentures! 370 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:31,512 - I don't believe it. — what? 371 00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:38,714 — Cassandra's contraceptives! — Cassandra's pills? 372 00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:43,431 - Who put "em in there? - Who do you think? Damien! 373 00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:49,190 He's a boy, isn't he? 374 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:52,751 You don't need "em. She's up the duff! 375 00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:56,356 But if he hadn't put... You know. 376 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:04,511 — He's a little sod, isn't he? - Yeah. 377 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:08,071 I dunno where he gets it from. 378 00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:13,952 — Must take after Raquel, eh? - Yeah! More than likely! 379 00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:16,236 Come on. 380 00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:32,199 (DEL) Right, we travel up this road another three miles. 381 00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:35,113 Then look for a sign saying, 382 00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:39,319 "Sainte Claire La Chapelle". Right? 383 00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:43,832 (VAN BACKFIRES) 384 00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:50,949 — Where'd you get that?! - What, this? 385 00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:55,830 well, I'm gonna blend in with the locals, Rodney. 386 00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:59,755 I've always been a bit of a Francophile. 387 00:29:59,920 --> 00:30:04,915 — More like a Franco Spencer! — Just keep driving, will ya? 388 00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:09,709 Anyway, where is my book? Ah! 389 00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:13,280 Bone up on the old French. 390 00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:16,034 Amazing how quick you forget it. 391 00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:18,316 - I noticed (!) - Hmm? 392 00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:21,757 I've forgotten the French I learned at school. 393 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:26,232 Don't you worry. I'll be with you. 394 00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:29,995 (REGULAR BACKFIRING) 395 00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:36,149 It is a difficult language, you know. 396 00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:40,791 One of my most favouritest meals is duck and orange. 397 00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:45,272 - I can't say that in French. - It's "canard". 398 00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:49,517 You can say that again, bruv! 399 00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:54,196 The French word for duck is "canard". 400 00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:59,309 Is it? I thought that was something to do with the QE2! 401 00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:02,950 No, that's Cunard. They make the boats. 402 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:05,680 The French for duck is "canard". 403 00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:11,518 Lovely jubbly. So how do the French say "and l'orange"? 404 00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:17,760 — A l'orange! - The same as we do? 405 00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:19,354 Yes! 406 00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:25,471 Oh, dear! It's a pity they don't use more of our words, innit? 407 00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:30,831 - Yeah. Stupid, aren't they? - Yeah. 408 00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:34,315 (DEL) I can't wait to get there, Rodders. 409 00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:37,393 1 bet they'll throw a mardi gras. 410 00:31:37,560 --> 00:31:40,791 The French don't scrimp on celebrations. 411 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:45,158 (RODNEY) I imagine it'll be a quiet backwater somewhere. 412 00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:47,072 (INAUDIBLE) 413 00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:51,996 (RODNEY) I bet they don't even know the war's over! 414 00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:55,357 (VAN BACKFIRES) 415 00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:16,397 A-ha! Au revoir! 416 00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:18,631 Au revoir, au revoir! 417 00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:22,839 Derique und Rodney Trottaire. 418 00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:26,630 Bonjour, Monsieur. Bonjour. 419 00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:31,191 Excuse me. Did you say "Trotter"? 420 00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:34,193 We're Albert Trotter's great—nephews. 421 00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:37,955 Very pleased to meet you. George Parker. 422 00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:40,873 I sailed with your uncle during the war. 423 00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:44,999 - Is Albert not coming? - No, I'm afraid not. 424 00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:49,279 Unfortunately, he passed away a few months ago. 425 00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:52,000 I'm very sorry to hear that. 426 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:54,832 Yeah, so are we. 427 00:32:57,040 --> 00:32:59,793 Well, where's the crew? 428 00:32:59,960 --> 00:33:01,280 Crew? 429 00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:05,434 Oh, I'm the only one that's turned up. 430 00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:10,436 The others are either dead, in homes or couldn't be bothered. 431 00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:16,357 I see. Well, we're here to represent Albert. 432 00:33:16,520 --> 00:33:19,911 - So let's get started! - Mr Mayor. 433 00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:22,515 S'il vous plait. 434 00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:30,951 (THEY PLAY "THE MARSEILLAISE" BADLY) 435 00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:40,432 You're wearing Albert's medals! 436 00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:43,752 Yes, with pride. 437 00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:49,154 Rodney, show some decorum. This is the American anthem. 438 00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:03,198 (DENZIL) We should have got a later ferry. 439 00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:08,355 But did I say that? No, I listened to Del as I always do. 440 00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:10,318 (TRIGGER) Still, 441 00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:12,915 it gives us time to see France. 442 00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:20,080 We've got sodding hours to kill! 443 00:34:22,040 --> 00:34:24,839 Relax, Denzil, relax. 444 00:34:25,680 --> 00:34:28,638 Corinne was always saying that. 445 00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:31,474 "Relax, Denzil". 446 00:34:31,640 --> 00:34:34,154 And I would. 447 00:34:34,320 --> 00:34:38,279 — Then Del would phone... - I liked Corinne. 448 00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:42,797 I used to hope that if I got married, 449 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:46,840 — it'd be to a girl like her. — Yeah, she was OK. 450 00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:49,674 Ever thought of getting married? 451 00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:53,993 No, I haven't met the right person yet. 452 00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:58,631 I've always had this image of my perfect woman. 453 00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:02,509 — My dream girl — What's she like? 454 00:35:02,680 --> 00:35:05,991 Oh, nothing to look at. Very plain. 455 00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:10,518 Scar on her chin where she had a wart removed. 456 00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:16,556 Jelly baby? 457 00:35:16,720 --> 00:35:18,472 Yeah. 458 00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:27,674 (THEY PLAY A MARCHING TUNE BADLY) 459 00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:33,669 Oh, that's Albert, all right! 460 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:37,470 You two haven't a clue. You've led lives of luxury. 461 00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:41,554 You don't know what it is to suffer on the high seas. 462 00:35:41,720 --> 00:35:45,998 Actually, we do. We've served our time at sea. 463 00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:50,358 — Where? In the Falklands? — A cruise around Hawaii. 464 00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:55,037 — A cruise—liner is not a ship! — Kept the water off our feet. 465 00:35:56,440 --> 00:36:01,560 On the Russian convoys, your uncle and me had 100—foot waves! 466 00:36:01,720 --> 00:36:06,157 It got a bit choppy round Honolulu one night. 467 00:36:06,320 --> 00:36:10,029 — We had storm and tempest. - You didn't see our cabaret! 468 00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:14,239 — We had hail and sleet. — We had Hale and Pace! 469 00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:21,597 Sometimes I think about the future. 470 00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:26,311 I don't want to end up a lonely bachelor like my cousin Ronnie. 471 00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:29,711 He had a strange taste in women. 472 00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:32,394 In what way? 473 00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:35,552 Well, they were men! 474 00:36:35,720 --> 00:36:38,075 I remember Ronnie. 475 00:36:38,240 --> 00:36:43,360 - Do you miss being married? — Some things I miss. 476 00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:46,509 - I'd like to meet a nice woman. - Me, too. 477 00:36:46,680 --> 00:36:50,036 — Take her for something to eat. - Yeah. 478 00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:55,036 Get to know each other a bit. Might like each other. 479 00:36:55,200 --> 00:36:57,953 who knows, in time... 480 00:36:58,960 --> 00:37:03,431 ..maybe she might do a bit of ironing for me! 481 00:37:06,880 --> 00:37:09,918 There's something I want to know. 482 00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:13,391 How come you, the crew of a British naval vessel, 483 00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:17,440 — ended up 30 miles inland? — That's a long story. 484 00:37:17,600 --> 00:37:22,470 — We gotta go. — We were sailing in a flotilla. 485 00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:24,517 Oh, God! 486 00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:30,437 We were going to Denmark to drop off supplies to the Marines. 487 00:37:30,600 --> 00:37:35,197 Our ship, HMS Cod, was at the rear of the fleet 488 00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:38,637 and Albert was at the wheel. 489 00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:44,000 We got a radio message to say a German fleet was approaching. 490 00:37:44,160 --> 00:37:49,473 Soon, Jerry spotted us. Albert, without waiting for orders, 491 00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:54,157 threw the ship to port. Five minutes later, we crashed. 492 00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:56,914 - Into what? — France! 493 00:37:59,560 --> 00:38:02,996 We hit some rocks off Normandy and ran aground. 494 00:38:03,160 --> 00:38:06,118 We were sitting ducks. 495 00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:09,875 Jerry was on our tail, so we legged it overland. 496 00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:13,590 We were going for two days and nights. 497 00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:18,118 We ended up here in this little village. 498 00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:22,035 The people, God bless them, took us in and hid us. 499 00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:25,591 The Gestapo looked for us but never found us 500 00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:28,912 until that fateful day when we were betrayed. 501 00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:31,799 - You're kidding! - No, no. 502 00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:38,400 I don't want to upset you, but Albert was a bit of a lad then. 503 00:38:38,560 --> 00:38:42,315 He could sing, dance, play the piano. 504 00:38:42,480 --> 00:38:46,269 The women liked him and he liked the women. 505 00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:53,153 During our stay here...how shall I put it? He kept himself busy. 506 00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:55,277 Oh, no. 507 00:38:55,440 --> 00:39:00,355 I don't believe him, the garrity old git! 508 00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:02,955 Tout de suite! 509 00:39:03,120 --> 00:39:07,193 It was every man for himself in those days. 510 00:39:07,360 --> 00:39:11,877 There was a war on. They were hard times... 511 00:39:27,600 --> 00:39:29,750 (SILENT) 512 00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:58,549 Most men were either away or locked up. 513 00:39:58,720 --> 00:40:02,953 But when they heard about Albert they weren't best pleased, 514 00:40:03,120 --> 00:40:05,316 which was understandable. 515 00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:09,155 — Who grassed you up? — The French Resistance. 516 00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:14,349 One day, the SS turned up and rounded us all up. 517 00:40:14,520 --> 00:40:18,912 Albert, with one or two others, escaped 518 00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:22,072 and made it back to Blighty. 519 00:40:22,240 --> 00:40:27,110 Excuse me. Just going to the gents. 520 00:40:32,480 --> 00:40:35,677 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 521 00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:38,309 I think I am. 522 00:40:42,240 --> 00:40:45,312 There's another one, look! 523 00:40:47,680 --> 00:40:52,675 It's like a geriatric "Village of the Damned"! 524 00:40:54,680 --> 00:40:58,196 I don't know about "Sainte Claire La Chapelle". 525 00:40:58,360 --> 00:41:02,593 They should have renamed it "Trottersville". 526 00:41:03,680 --> 00:41:06,320 (RODNEY) Think of the other countries he visited 527 00:41:06,480 --> 00:41:09,632 and what he must have got up to! America, India... 528 00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:12,838 (DEL) I bet he didn't leave Australia alone. 529 00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:16,675 Africa, Middle East... Remember that woman he mentioned? 530 00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:19,912 He's been putting it about all over! 531 00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:24,392 Raquel was wrong. It wasn't like "Captain Corelli's Mandolin". 532 00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:28,519 More like Captain Birds Eye's Banjo! 533 00:41:38,680 --> 00:41:41,798 Merci beaucoup. Au revoir! 534 00:41:42,880 --> 00:41:45,520 I really don't understand you. 535 00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:48,832 We can buy a bottle of duty-free wine on the ferry. 536 00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:53,198 Yeah, but things in here are a euro or two cheaper. 537 00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:57,957 — And we've got to save money. — Suppose so. 538 00:42:01,040 --> 00:42:03,509 I don't believe it! 539 00:42:03,680 --> 00:42:06,559 — What's that? — Look over there. 540 00:42:06,720 --> 00:42:09,678 — It's Denzil! - You're having me on! 541 00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:13,196 Hello, Denzil! 542 00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:17,319 Hey! Del! Rod! Hi! 543 00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:22,395 — Fancy meeting you here! — What are you doing here? 544 00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:25,951 I had a free day, and Christmas is coming, 545 00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:29,192 so I popped over for a couple of packs of beer. 546 00:42:29,360 --> 00:42:35,231 — What brings you here? — We went to Albert's reunion. 547 00:42:35,400 --> 00:42:41,396 Rodney said why don't we get a case or two of wine, didn't you? 548 00:42:42,360 --> 00:42:43,998 Yeah. 549 00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:46,390 Have you got your truck here? 550 00:42:46,560 --> 00:42:49,313 It's out the back. Why do you ask? 551 00:42:49,480 --> 00:42:54,111 I was thinking, we haven't got much room in our van, 552 00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:58,558 and if Denzil's got space in his truck, 553 00:42:58,720 --> 00:43:02,759 we could take a couple of extra cases. Hmm? 554 00:43:02,920 --> 00:43:06,038 - Yeah, maybe. — Del Boy! 555 00:43:06,200 --> 00:43:11,354 — Dave! — Trigger! Would you believe it? 556 00:43:11,520 --> 00:43:14,638 only if I'd been heavily sedated! 557 00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:18,395 Hello, Trig! What are you doing here? 558 00:43:18,560 --> 00:43:22,155 You said meet us here at four o'clock! 559 00:43:26,720 --> 00:43:30,509 I don't believe you sometimes, Trigger! 560 00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:35,231 — This is a set-up, isn't it? - No, no, no, no, no! 561 00:43:35,400 --> 00:43:39,075 - It's just a surprise for you! — Right. 562 00:43:39,240 --> 00:43:42,278 We're surrounded by gallons of cheap booze, 563 00:43:42,440 --> 00:43:45,751 Denzil's truck's here and the pub needs its cellar filled! 564 00:43:45,920 --> 00:43:47,558 0i, oi, oi! 565 00:43:47,720 --> 00:43:50,360 Keep the noise down! 566 00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:53,080 OK, I admit it. 567 00:43:53,240 --> 00:43:56,312 It's my fault. I agreed to it. 568 00:43:56,480 --> 00:44:00,872 — Agreed to it with whom? - With me! 569 00:44:01,040 --> 00:44:03,634 I'm running the firm now! 570 00:44:03,800 --> 00:44:08,351 Everyone's at it. We're just a bit slow on the uptake. 571 00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:13,390 - I don't believe this! — We need the money! 572 00:44:16,560 --> 00:44:21,077 — OK, but I wasn't looking. - You was in the toilet. 573 00:44:21,240 --> 00:44:24,949 - You know it makes sense. — I've paid, Del. 574 00:44:25,120 --> 00:44:30,433 — They're loading it out back. — He's paid for it. Come on! 575 00:44:37,960 --> 00:44:40,031 Is this it? 576 00:44:40,200 --> 00:44:43,033 And that. 577 00:44:45,040 --> 00:44:48,032 Oh, my God! 578 00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:51,318 we'll help. We ain't got long. 579 00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:54,233 — We got plenty of time. - Yeah. 580 00:44:54,400 --> 00:44:59,520 Wait, did any of us change our watches to French time? 581 00:45:01,320 --> 00:45:05,553 No! God, we've only got half an hour before the ferry leaves! 582 00:45:05,720 --> 00:45:08,599 You dipstick, Rodney! 583 00:45:08,760 --> 00:45:11,991 Oi! Pierre! Get out of it. 584 00:45:23,720 --> 00:45:26,519 Mange—tout! Mange—tout! 585 00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:39,113 Voila! 586 00:45:41,800 --> 00:45:43,837 (RAQUEL) So how was Albert's reunion? 587 00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:47,595 Brilliant. Thousands of people there. 588 00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:51,594 Thousands. There was a fly—past and everything. 589 00:45:51,760 --> 00:45:54,593 I tried phoning you, but couldn't get through. 590 00:45:54,760 --> 00:45:58,879 We had a letter. They've cut the phone off. The bill's unpaid. 591 00:45:59,040 --> 00:46:01,554 ILL sort it out tomorrow. 592 00:46:01,720 --> 00:46:05,270 I'll say I couldn't call "em 'cause they cut the phone off. 593 00:46:05,440 --> 00:46:08,831 — Have you eaten? — On the ferry. An omelette. 594 00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:11,674 Del had a mutton Madras and four Irish coffees. 595 00:46:11,840 --> 00:46:14,036 Very nice, too, thanks. 596 00:46:14,200 --> 00:46:18,433 You should have seen the size of this wine warehouse we went to! 597 00:46:18,600 --> 00:46:21,319 I said to Denzil we should have them here. 598 00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:24,598 — Denzil was with you? - Eh? 599 00:46:26,440 --> 00:46:32,994 Yes, he was there. We bumped into him. It was a coincidence. 600 00:46:33,160 --> 00:46:36,073 - Yeah. Amazing (!) - Yeah. 601 00:46:36,240 --> 00:46:38,959 Look what I got here. 602 00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:43,637 A bottle of champagne to celebrate our safe return. 603 00:46:45,200 --> 00:46:48,909 All the arrangements we made with Sid. 604 00:46:49,080 --> 00:46:53,551 Del said, "Keep the pub cellar clear." And what does he do? 605 00:46:53,720 --> 00:46:57,395 - What? — Well, you were there! 606 00:46:57,560 --> 00:47:00,074 He let the brewery make a delivery! 607 00:47:00,240 --> 00:47:05,030 The way that brewery carries on, you'd think they owned the pub! 608 00:47:13,960 --> 00:47:15,997 Trigger! 609 00:47:19,960 --> 00:47:23,032 (DENZIL) Bloody hell! 610 00:47:23,200 --> 00:47:29,640 So you just happened to meet Denzil in a wine warehouse. 611 00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:32,474 — Did Denzil have his lorry? — Don't know. 612 00:47:32,640 --> 00:47:36,474 — Didn't ask. - It could carry a lot of beer. 613 00:47:36,640 --> 00:47:40,395 — Did Denzil follow you back? - No, he stayed there. 614 00:47:40,560 --> 00:47:44,633 Yeah, he's having a little holiday. 615 00:47:44,800 --> 00:47:48,236 Yes. Ooh, look, I've just remembered. 616 00:47:48,400 --> 00:47:51,199 I got you a French football shirt. 617 00:47:51,360 --> 00:47:54,113 — Brilliant! Can I try it on? — Course. 618 00:47:54,280 --> 00:47:59,309 — Cass, some French perfume. - I got you this, sweetheart. 619 00:47:59,480 --> 00:48:01,790 There you are. 620 00:48:01,960 --> 00:48:05,396 Oh, Del, they're lovely! 621 00:48:05,560 --> 00:48:08,598 Diamonds are a girl's best friend. 622 00:48:08,760 --> 00:48:11,878 But zircon can be good company! 623 00:48:14,400 --> 00:48:16,596 (MOBILE RINGS) 624 00:48:16,760 --> 00:48:18,239 Hello? 625 00:48:19,480 --> 00:48:23,110 - Del, it's Denzil — Denzil?! 626 00:48:23,280 --> 00:48:26,716 why's he phoning me from France? 627 00:48:26,880 --> 00:48:31,670 No, he's at your garage. I know what you're up to. Why lie? 628 00:48:31,840 --> 00:48:36,198 I didn't think the truth would do me any favours. 629 00:48:36,360 --> 00:48:40,115 We need the money, Raquel. That's no lie. 630 00:48:40,280 --> 00:48:43,989 Let me speak to him. Bonjour, Denzil 631 00:48:46,760 --> 00:48:50,071 Champs Elysées! 632 00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:53,510 (DEL) Sprechen Sie lingo? 633 00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:56,718 Sprechen Sie de old Anglaisee? 634 00:48:56,880 --> 00:49:00,350 Give it up, Del, he don't speak a word. 635 00:49:00,520 --> 00:49:03,353 So what'll we do with him? 636 00:49:03,520 --> 00:49:06,876 - Just let him go. — We can't do that! 637 00:49:07,040 --> 00:49:09,998 What would happen to a stranger on this estate? 638 00:49:10,160 --> 00:49:15,758 — He could be part of Al-Qaeda! — Don't be stupid! 639 00:49:15,920 --> 00:49:20,118 Does he look like he works in a furniture store? 640 00:49:22,880 --> 00:49:27,078 - No, no... — Denzil, let's not go there. 641 00:49:27,240 --> 00:49:30,676 — we'll drop him off somewhere. - What if the Old Bill pull him? 642 00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:36,358 They'll take him to the immigration centre in Croydon. 643 00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:40,673 He was hiding in my truck. That's a £2,000 fine! 644 00:49:40,840 --> 00:49:45,550 Some illegals tell the police who brought them in. 645 00:49:45,720 --> 00:49:48,758 How would we fare under British justice? 646 00:49:48,920 --> 00:49:54,950 We can't leave him here. He'd probably suffocate or something. 647 00:49:55,120 --> 00:49:59,193 — we'll take him to the flat. — What'll we say to Raquel? 648 00:49:59,360 --> 00:50:04,196 We got a bloke, don't know who he is, but do him egg and chips. 649 00:50:04,360 --> 00:50:08,069 - You are a plonker! — Got a better idea? 650 00:50:08,240 --> 00:50:13,110 We can keep an eye on him and stop him going to the police. 651 00:50:13,280 --> 00:50:16,750 Oh, I don't believe this! All right. 652 00:50:16,920 --> 00:50:23,678 You carry on unloading and we'll take him...somewhere. 653 00:50:28,960 --> 00:50:33,670 — What shall we say? — we'll have to play it by ear. 654 00:50:33,840 --> 00:50:37,037 We've got to get him pugged away somewhere. 655 00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:38,759 Come on. 656 00:50:38,920 --> 00:50:42,117 (FOOTBALL ON TV) 657 00:50:47,080 --> 00:50:49,754 Look who we bumped into! 658 00:50:50,960 --> 00:50:54,635 Yeah. He was just walking past. 659 00:50:57,200 --> 00:51:00,556 — Won't you introduce us? - Eh? 660 00:51:01,840 --> 00:51:04,275 Yes, sorry, yes, of course. 661 00:51:04,440 --> 00:51:09,071 This is Raquel, my significant other. 662 00:51:09,240 --> 00:51:12,551 This is Cassandra, Rodney's wife. 663 00:51:12,720 --> 00:51:17,237 This is Damien, my son. And this... This... 664 00:51:17,400 --> 00:51:21,598 This... This is Rodney's friend. 665 00:51:25,520 --> 00:51:28,672 Yes, this is my friend. 666 00:51:28,840 --> 00:51:32,356 — Does he have a name? — Course he does! 667 00:51:32,520 --> 00:51:35,399 — Of course. — Course he has a name. 668 00:51:37,600 --> 00:51:40,399 - well? — His name? 669 00:51:40,560 --> 00:51:44,440 His name... His name is Gary. 670 00:51:46,360 --> 00:51:49,557 Yes, this is Gary. 671 00:51:50,680 --> 00:51:52,990 Good old Gary! 672 00:51:53,840 --> 00:51:56,992 - Nice to meet you, Gary. — Hi, Gary! 673 00:51:57,160 --> 00:51:59,197 He's... 674 00:52:00,880 --> 00:52:03,998 He's a little bit shy. 675 00:52:04,160 --> 00:52:08,438 He probably wants to sit down. Gary, sit down. Good boy. 676 00:52:08,600 --> 00:52:11,160 He's sitting, look. 677 00:52:11,320 --> 00:52:14,472 — Where do you know him from? — Who? Gary? 678 00:52:14,640 --> 00:52:16,358 Yeah. 679 00:52:16,520 --> 00:52:20,878 - um... — From Rodney's evening school. 680 00:52:21,040 --> 00:52:23,395 Yes, from evening school. 681 00:52:23,560 --> 00:52:27,554 But I was at your evening school. That's where we met. 682 00:52:27,720 --> 00:52:31,429 - I don't remember Gary. - It's another evening school. 683 00:52:31,600 --> 00:52:35,639 - When did you go there, then? — One evening. 684 00:52:38,240 --> 00:52:41,358 Would you like something to drink? 685 00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:44,158 Gary? 686 00:52:47,280 --> 00:52:48,600 Gary! 687 00:52:53,720 --> 00:52:56,109 Yes, he said, "Gary!" 688 00:52:56,280 --> 00:52:59,671 It's the way he says it! "Gary"! 689 00:53:01,640 --> 00:53:03,836 He can't speak English, can he? 690 00:53:04,000 --> 00:53:09,871 What? Him? Speak English? Once he starts, he doesn't stop! 691 00:53:10,040 --> 00:53:14,238 Did you meet Rodney at evening school, Gary? 692 00:53:16,120 --> 00:53:17,440 Gary! 693 00:53:18,880 --> 00:53:22,919 Oh, my God, he's an illegal immigrant! 694 00:53:23,080 --> 00:53:26,835 Shh! Don't say that too loud round this estate! 695 00:53:27,000 --> 00:53:30,118 - You'll cause a panic! — We've got an illegal! 696 00:53:31,400 --> 00:53:35,280 Sweetheart, I'm really sorry. It's nothing to do with us. 697 00:53:35,440 --> 00:53:40,355 — He was in Denzil's lorry. — We hadn't a clue he was there. 698 00:53:40,520 --> 00:53:42,955 He must have snuck in. 699 00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:45,794 - What will you do with him? - I dunno. 700 00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:48,190 — He can't stay here. — Where will he go? 701 00:53:48,360 --> 00:53:50,954 Shall we sit him down to watch the football? 702 00:53:51,120 --> 00:53:56,479 If we chuck him out, he'll be a crack addict by the second half! 703 00:53:57,880 --> 00:54:00,838 What we might have to do... 704 00:54:03,000 --> 00:54:05,674 No, it's all right. 705 00:54:05,840 --> 00:54:10,869 Look, it's a lighter, see? Lighter. Right? 706 00:54:13,920 --> 00:54:15,797 Gary! 707 00:54:27,360 --> 00:54:30,637 "Two teaspoons of curry paste." 708 00:54:30,800 --> 00:54:32,916 That's one... 709 00:54:36,280 --> 00:54:39,159 One for the pot. Cushty. 710 00:54:39,320 --> 00:54:40,640 Yes! 711 00:54:40,800 --> 00:54:45,351 - I can smell something. - You can't wait, can you? 712 00:54:47,360 --> 00:54:51,399 You've got to take your time with this. 713 00:54:51,560 --> 00:54:54,074 The longer the better! 714 00:54:54,240 --> 00:54:57,198 I have to find out what nationality Gary is 715 00:54:57,360 --> 00:55:00,398 and send him to whoever represents his people. 716 00:55:00,560 --> 00:55:04,440 But he doesn't speak English, so how will you do that? 717 00:55:04,600 --> 00:55:06,318 well... 718 00:55:06,480 --> 00:55:09,040 Yeah. Good point. 719 00:55:09,200 --> 00:55:12,716 - Where's Gary? — He's having a shower. 720 00:55:12,880 --> 00:55:15,030 I've lent him some of Del's clothes. 721 00:55:15,200 --> 00:55:18,079 Give him some of Del's aftershave too! 722 00:55:18,240 --> 00:55:22,029 No, things are bad enough for him as it is! 723 00:55:22,200 --> 00:55:25,352 Del, Rodney's only gone and... 724 00:55:25,520 --> 00:55:31,118 Look at that! I'm calling this "Chicken Trotter". 725 00:55:31,280 --> 00:55:34,591 That could be a very apt name for it! 726 00:55:43,080 --> 00:55:45,151 OK, Gary? 727 00:55:45,320 --> 00:55:46,754 Gary. 728 00:55:46,920 --> 00:55:49,878 Come and sit down, son. 729 00:55:52,760 --> 00:55:58,278 oh, my God! He looks like a set of traffic lights! 730 00:55:58,440 --> 00:56:03,799 — Don't be rude! — He's from a war—torn country. 731 00:56:03,960 --> 00:56:06,918 Probably witnessed mass murder. 732 00:56:07,080 --> 00:56:11,790 Maybe he was one of the murderers! 733 00:56:14,360 --> 00:56:17,432 He doesn't look like one. 734 00:56:17,600 --> 00:56:21,150 In Del's pyjamas, Adolf Hitler wouldn't either! 735 00:56:21,320 --> 00:56:24,756 You could have colour—coordinated him! 736 00:56:24,920 --> 00:56:28,356 Fashion design isn't my strong point. 737 00:56:28,520 --> 00:56:30,875 Right, here we go! 738 00:56:31,040 --> 00:56:35,318 Ah! Very nice. Very tasteful, Gary. 739 00:56:35,480 --> 00:56:37,039 Gary! 740 00:56:37,200 --> 00:56:39,555 Get your laughing gear round that. 741 00:56:40,840 --> 00:56:44,879 — Why did you make curry? — I wanted him to feel at home. 742 00:56:45,040 --> 00:56:48,237 I don't think he's Asian. He's more Arabic. 743 00:56:48,400 --> 00:56:54,032 Let's go to "Perfect Pizza" for a pepperoni and sheep's head! 744 00:56:55,880 --> 00:57:00,875 It's only a ruby. No matter if you're Asian, Arab or Eskimo, 745 00:57:01,040 --> 00:57:03,759 everyone loves a ruby. 746 00:57:06,280 --> 00:57:08,237 Ooh! Gary! 747 00:57:08,400 --> 00:57:11,040 — Glass of water. — Gary! 748 00:57:11,200 --> 00:57:13,714 Get him a glass of water. 749 00:57:13,880 --> 00:57:17,350 - He can finish that out there. — Gary! 750 00:57:19,880 --> 00:57:24,078 Maybe the vindaloo was a bit hot for the boy? 751 00:57:24,240 --> 00:57:25,560 (DOORBELL) 752 00:57:25,720 --> 00:57:27,996 - It's the police! — This is great. 753 00:57:28,160 --> 00:57:31,118 I'll give birth in Holloway! 754 00:57:31,280 --> 00:57:34,511 Shh! I don't know. Shh! 755 00:57:36,080 --> 00:57:40,074 - Hello? Who is it? - Del, it's Boycie! 756 00:57:40,240 --> 00:57:43,596 It's OK. It's only Boycie. 757 00:57:45,280 --> 00:57:47,954 What an unpleasant surprise! 758 00:57:49,680 --> 00:57:51,876 — Rodney. - Boycie. 759 00:57:53,480 --> 00:57:57,792 Good evening, Raquel. You look lovely tonight. 760 00:57:57,960 --> 00:58:00,474 You too, Cassandra. 761 00:58:00,640 --> 00:58:05,510 You have that maternal glow from being in the family way. 762 00:58:07,160 --> 00:58:12,075 - Hello, little man. - Do not touch me, batty boy. 763 00:58:14,280 --> 00:58:18,592 — He's a character, isn't he? — What do you want, Boycie? 764 00:58:18,760 --> 00:58:22,913 — Cognac would be lovely. - You'll be Lucky! 765 00:58:23,080 --> 00:58:25,469 Here you are, Rodney. 766 00:58:25,640 --> 00:58:29,156 Boycie, no way am I driving for you tonight. 767 00:58:29,320 --> 00:58:33,393 No, it's not that, Del. I've got a problem. 768 00:58:33,560 --> 00:58:36,871 I've been chucked out of my house! 769 00:58:37,840 --> 00:58:40,434 — Good for Marlene! — She's finally done it! 770 00:58:40,600 --> 00:58:45,834 Marlene didn't. The police did. The house is full of gas. 771 00:58:46,000 --> 00:58:51,279 Those bloody log—effect fires Lenny Corby fitted are leaking. 772 00:58:51,440 --> 00:58:55,035 The gas board can't turn it off at the mains 773 00:58:55,200 --> 00:58:58,556 'cause Lenny snapped the handle off! 774 00:58:58,720 --> 00:59:02,714 They evacuated the whole road. Marlene's gone to her mum's 775 00:59:02,880 --> 00:59:06,475 and I was going to a hotel, 776 00:59:06,640 --> 00:59:11,191 but I left everything in the house. Wallet, keys, the lot. 777 00:59:11,360 --> 00:59:15,194 Fire brigade won't let me back in. It's dangerous. 778 00:59:15,360 --> 00:59:18,671 All I've got is what I'm wearing. 779 00:59:18,840 --> 00:59:22,356 That's bad news, Boycie. What are you doing here? 780 00:59:22,520 --> 00:59:27,230 I was in trouble, so I thought I'd go and see my best friend. 781 00:59:27,400 --> 00:59:30,358 But you decided to call here first? 782 00:59:30,520 --> 00:59:33,558 Derek has always been my best friend. 783 00:59:33,720 --> 00:59:36,234 On yer bike, Boycie! 784 00:59:36,400 --> 00:59:41,031 I just need a bed for the night. I'm at your mercy. 785 00:59:41,200 --> 00:59:44,158 why can't you stay at Marlene's mum's? 786 00:59:44,320 --> 00:59:47,312 The batty old mare won't let me in! 787 00:59:47,480 --> 00:59:50,040 We had a row at that wedding. 788 00:59:50,200 --> 00:59:53,591 She cast doubt upon my personal hygiene. 789 00:59:53,760 --> 00:59:58,391 There was a horrible smell of onion and she blamed me! 790 01:00:01,120 --> 01:00:05,000 — Can't you stay with Trigger? — Ever spent an evening there? 791 01:00:05,160 --> 01:00:08,516 It's like having a séance with Mr Bean. 792 01:00:08,680 --> 01:00:13,197 — Denzil has room at his place. - He's not there! 793 01:00:14,560 --> 01:00:18,269 — It seems you don't want me. - It's not that, Boycie. 794 01:00:18,440 --> 01:00:19,999 It is! 795 01:00:20,160 --> 01:00:23,118 It's just that we're overcrowded. 796 01:00:23,280 --> 01:00:26,511 Raquel and I have our bedroom, Cassandra and Rodney theirs, 797 01:00:26,680 --> 01:00:28,956 — Damien's in his. — The sofa will do. 798 01:00:29,120 --> 01:00:32,078 — Gary's sleeping on there. - _— Gary? 799 01:00:32,640 --> 01:00:33,960 Gary. 800 01:00:35,120 --> 01:00:38,670 - Good God! — Gary is Rodney's friend. 801 01:00:38,840 --> 01:00:42,196 Did he get ready for bed in a power cut? 802 01:00:47,840 --> 01:00:51,834 — They're your night clothes. — Got it in one. 803 01:00:52,000 --> 01:00:57,313 Who else can combine lime green and bright red and make it work? 804 01:00:57,480 --> 01:01:00,916 I've always had an eye for colour. 805 01:01:01,080 --> 01:01:03,993 Derek, could I have a word, please? 806 01:01:04,160 --> 01:01:07,232 Course you can, sweetheart. 807 01:01:20,280 --> 01:01:23,238 Before you say anything, Boycie's not staying. 808 01:01:23,400 --> 01:01:27,155 We've already got Gary. At least he doesn't speak! 809 01:01:27,320 --> 01:01:32,315 Lawrence of Peckham you may be, but Boycie's not staying here. 810 01:01:32,480 --> 01:01:35,120 Look, darling, sweetheart. 811 01:01:35,280 --> 01:01:38,591 I feel just a little bit guilty, you see. 812 01:01:38,760 --> 01:01:42,196 I made Boycie's hair smell like shepherd's pie. 813 01:01:42,360 --> 01:01:43,839 Good! 814 01:01:44,000 --> 01:01:47,880 No, because he wouldn't have rowed with his in-laws. 815 01:01:48,040 --> 01:01:53,752 He would have stayed there. And then there's these gas fires. 816 01:01:53,920 --> 01:01:59,791 — Oh, no! You sold them? - No, not me. It was Rodney. 817 01:01:59,960 --> 01:02:03,749 I said, "Don't sell "em, they're dangerous." 818 01:02:03,920 --> 01:02:07,436 But he wouldn't listen to me. 819 01:02:07,600 --> 01:02:11,434 I feel guilty. It's only one night! 820 01:02:12,560 --> 01:02:16,440 OK. If they're not gone by tomorrow evening, I will be! 821 01:02:16,600 --> 01:02:21,913 They will be history. Thank you, darling, you are a diamond! 822 01:02:22,080 --> 01:02:24,833 No, it's just a little blister. 823 01:02:25,000 --> 01:02:27,753 OK, Boycie, we've decided. 824 01:02:27,920 --> 01:02:31,879 You can stay on the camp bed. It's in the cupboard. 825 01:02:32,040 --> 01:02:37,035 Perfect, Derek. Damien, you're sleeping on a camp bed. 826 01:02:37,200 --> 01:02:39,237 No, he is not! 827 01:02:39,400 --> 01:02:42,518 You get rid of kids to make way for adults. 828 01:02:42,680 --> 01:02:47,117 But in your case it's an exception. That or nothing. 829 01:02:47,280 --> 01:02:50,716 OK, the camp bed it will have to be. 830 01:02:50,880 --> 01:02:52,837 Here we are. 831 01:02:54,160 --> 01:02:57,915 I promise you'll hardly know I'm here. 832 01:03:02,040 --> 01:03:04,998 Did you make that drink for me, Raquel? 833 01:03:05,160 --> 01:03:08,278 Tell you what, I am starving! 834 01:03:12,600 --> 01:03:15,638 — Fancy a plate of cui - Lovely! mw' 835 01:03:15,800 --> 01:03:17,438 Lovely! 836 01:03:21,400 --> 01:03:24,552 (BOYCIE GROANS) 837 01:03:30,440 --> 01:03:33,239 Are you still awake, Gary? 838 01:03:33,960 --> 01:03:35,678 Gary. 839 01:03:37,040 --> 01:03:40,749 That curry's doing a conga in my colon! 840 01:03:45,000 --> 01:03:47,560 I only had one mouthful. 841 01:03:48,800 --> 01:03:52,236 still hungry, Gary? — Are you ey, 842 01:03:52,400 --> 01:03:55,392 I'll make us a sandwich. 843 01:04:12,040 --> 01:04:15,920 Do "sell by" dates mean nothing to the Trotters? 844 01:04:16,080 --> 01:04:20,313 I've seen younger items on the "Antiques Roadshow"! 845 01:04:20,480 --> 01:04:23,518 It'll have to be cheese, Gary. 846 01:04:23,680 --> 01:04:25,353 Gary! 847 01:04:33,680 --> 01:04:36,752 Do you want piccalilli? 848 01:04:38,280 --> 01:04:42,160 Are you cold, son? Get back into bed. 849 01:04:42,320 --> 01:04:46,917 Get back in there. Nice and warm. That's it. 850 01:04:48,560 --> 01:04:51,313 Blimey, you are cold, aren't you? 851 01:04:54,880 --> 01:04:59,317 Get the suitcase out, set it up and I'll do the spiel. 852 01:04:59,480 --> 01:05:02,791 Excuse me! Hello? I'm in charge now! 853 01:05:02,960 --> 01:05:05,713 OK. What do you want to do? 854 01:05:06,600 --> 01:05:08,830 I'll get the suitcase, you do the spiel. 855 01:05:09,000 --> 01:05:11,799 That's a good idea (!) 856 01:05:20,080 --> 01:05:22,833 Hello, sweetheart! How are you? 857 01:05:23,000 --> 01:05:25,640 — "One night", you said. - Yeah, but... 858 01:05:25,800 --> 01:05:29,680 Four bloody nights they've slept in the living room! 859 01:05:29,840 --> 01:05:32,753 OK, I'll have words, don't worry. 860 01:05:32,920 --> 01:05:38,791 Boycie puts that hair gel on and then complains about the smell! 861 01:05:38,960 --> 01:05:42,237 But I can't say anything to him. 862 01:05:42,400 --> 01:05:45,233 Or he'll know it was me what done it. 863 01:05:45,400 --> 01:05:50,873 Good news. The gas board has cleared us to move back in. 864 01:05:52,200 --> 01:05:55,670 — Thank you for being there. — That's OK, Boycie. 865 01:05:55,840 --> 01:06:00,994 - You'd do the same for us. - I suppose so. 866 01:06:01,160 --> 01:06:05,199 I'd get that smell sorted out if I were you. 867 01:06:05,360 --> 01:06:09,638 I reckon someone's dumped a kebab in your air duct. 868 01:06:09,800 --> 01:06:12,030 You know that contract of mine? 869 01:06:12,200 --> 01:06:15,716 - Yes. - I have to sign it in Paris. 870 01:06:15,880 --> 01:06:20,716 I want you to drive me there. Make the right impression. 871 01:06:20,880 --> 01:06:24,111 So go and hire us a nice vehicle. 872 01:06:24,280 --> 01:06:27,352 Your showroom is full of cars! 873 01:06:27,520 --> 01:06:30,831 Yes, but I want one that'll get us there! 874 01:06:31,000 --> 01:06:35,233 You don't mind if I take your staff away? 875 01:06:35,400 --> 01:06:39,633 Not at all. I'll come with you for the ride. 876 01:06:39,800 --> 01:06:45,716 Seeing me become a millionaire may rekindle a few memories! 877 01:06:47,880 --> 01:06:50,872 You are one flash git, aren't you? 878 01:06:52,120 --> 01:06:56,114 why don't we drop Gary off on the continent? 879 01:06:56,280 --> 01:07:01,958 Don't be stupid, Rodney! We'd be the only ones ever to get fined 880 01:07:02,120 --> 01:07:05,112 for smuggling someone OUT of the country! 881 01:07:05,280 --> 01:07:09,638 I just saw him hitch—hiking round the Elephant and Castle. 882 01:07:09,800 --> 01:07:13,953 — He's gone? — Damien took him to football 883 01:07:14,120 --> 01:07:20,150 I saw him in a campervan with a bunch of Australian backpackers. 884 01:07:21,120 --> 01:07:25,239 — Well, we did our best for him. - Yeah. 885 01:07:25,400 --> 01:07:29,234 I suppose he'll see a bit of the world now. 886 01:07:31,280 --> 01:07:34,193 Can you smell onions? 887 01:07:36,800 --> 01:07:38,120 Yeah. 888 01:07:43,720 --> 01:07:47,429 - I told you I'd get it sorted! — Well done, Del. 889 01:07:47,600 --> 01:07:51,434 - I'll see you back at home. —- OK. 890 01:07:52,480 --> 01:07:56,269 Come on, boss, let's get selling! 891 01:08:05,640 --> 01:08:08,678 - It's a van! - It's all they had! 892 01:08:08,840 --> 01:08:12,674 — They were out of saloons. - It's comfy. 893 01:08:12,840 --> 01:08:17,198 I don't believe it! The most important meeting in my life 894 01:08:17,360 --> 01:08:19,920 and I'm going in a van! 895 01:08:20,080 --> 01:08:22,674 Get in! Stop moaning. 896 01:08:26,400 --> 01:08:32,396 Now, one thing, Derek. We're not stopping to load up with beer. 897 01:08:32,560 --> 01:08:34,915 Nothing was further from my mind! 898 01:08:35,080 --> 01:08:38,914 Police in Kent have found the missing billionaires son, 899 01:08:39,080 --> 01:08:43,517 Rachid Mahmoon, who was kidnapped a week ago 900 01:08:43,680 --> 01:08:47,514 while working in his father's wine warehouse. 901 01:08:47,680 --> 01:08:52,311 "f was loading the truck when the kidnappers trapped me. 902 01:08:55,600 --> 01:08:59,514 "f was taken to an apartment. I've no idea where. 903 01:08:59,680 --> 01:09:05,198 "f was held for four days and nights by two men and two women. 904 01:09:05,360 --> 01:09:07,636 "f don't know what language they spoke." 905 01:09:07,800 --> 01:09:09,313 (SPEAKS ARABIC) 906 01:09:09,480 --> 01:09:13,553 "Sometimes I detected the odd word of English." 907 01:09:13,720 --> 01:09:18,396 "A big man guarded me at night. He carried a large knife 908 01:09:18,560 --> 01:09:20,710 "and his hair smelt of..." 909 01:09:20,880 --> 01:09:22,439 (IN ARABIC) 910 01:09:22,600 --> 01:09:24,079 "onions." 911 01:09:24,240 --> 01:09:28,711 Interpol are searching for the criminals behind the kidnap. 912 01:09:28,880 --> 01:09:34,000 The only information they have is that the "Gary Gang" 913 01:09:34,160 --> 01:09:36,595 may have south London connections. 914 01:09:46,400 --> 01:09:50,234 Interpol recherche activement les kidnappeurs. 915 01:09:58,080 --> 01:09:59,878 Gentlemen? 916 01:10:04,000 --> 01:10:08,710 (SPEAKS ARABIC) 917 01:10:08,880 --> 01:10:11,793 Mr Boyce, this is Mr Mahmoon. 918 01:10:11,960 --> 01:10:13,473 Delighted. 919 01:10:14,480 --> 01:10:18,155 Please... Please sit down. 920 01:10:25,080 --> 01:10:28,471 (IN ARABIC) 921 01:10:28,640 --> 01:10:33,396 Monsieur Chairman says he's always admired the British. 922 01:10:40,240 --> 01:10:45,633 His grandmother met an English sailor during the war. 923 01:10:59,360 --> 01:11:01,829 Happy with the contract, Mr Boyce? 924 01:11:02,000 --> 01:11:05,516 Oui, extremely. 925 01:11:05,680 --> 01:11:08,399 Then we will sign. 926 01:11:09,880 --> 01:11:13,839 Mr Boyce, Mr Mahmoon's son, Rachid. 927 01:11:18,520 --> 01:11:22,479 — Gary! - Look who it is! 928 01:11:22,640 --> 01:11:24,836 (SHOUTS IN PANIC) 929 01:11:25,000 --> 01:11:27,310 Small world, isn't it? 930 01:11:37,440 --> 01:11:40,831 — ALS, sécurité? — (CLEARS THROAT) 931 01:11:42,760 --> 01:11:45,400 Got a pen? 932 01:11:48,200 --> 01:11:51,795 (SIREN BLARES) 933 01:11:53,800 --> 01:11:57,316 (BOYCIE) That contract would have made me a millionaire! 934 01:11:57,480 --> 01:12:01,189 Thanks to you two, I've been arrested! 935 01:12:01,360 --> 01:12:06,150 (RODNEY) Kidnappers? Us? (DEL) Boycie, I was wondering. 936 01:12:06,320 --> 01:12:10,439 On the way back, can we stop at the wine warehouse? 937 01:12:10,600 --> 01:12:13,638 Aren't we in enough sodding trouble? 938 01:12:13,800 --> 01:12:16,076 Are you paying Del overtime for this? 939 01:12:16,240 --> 01:12:18,390 No, I am not! 940 01:12:19,320 --> 01:12:22,756 (BOYCIE) Can you smell onions? (DEL AND RODNEY) Shut up! 941 01:12:28,320 --> 01:12:30,152 942 01:12:30,320 --> 01:12:31,913 943 01:12:32,080 --> 01:12:34,879 944 01:12:35,040 --> 01:12:38,032 what's—their-names and at a push 945 01:12:38,200 --> 01:12:40,999 from a mush in Shepherd's Bush 946 01:12:41,160 --> 01:12:43,629 947 01:12:43,800 --> 01:12:46,553 948 01:12:46,720 --> 01:12:49,712 949 01:12:49,880 --> 01:12:52,793 950 01:12:52,960 --> 01:12:57,238 951 01:12:57,760 --> 01:13:00,639 952 01:13:00,800 --> 01:13:03,679 2 Vi Viva Hooky Street! 953 01:13:03,840 --> 01:13:06,354 954 01:13:06,520 --> 01:13:09,876 955 01:13:10,040 --> 01:13:13,237 956 01:13:14,680 --> 01:13:16,273 957 01:13:17,760 --> 01:13:19,239